Horizon's End
by Eleneri
Summary: Rose Shepard Series: Set during the Sanity Check date in Mass Effect 3. Since Shepard came back from the dead, she and Kaidan haven't had a real chance to talk about what happened. Kaidan finally asks. Warning: NSFW, Adult language and situations, kids. Definite M rating, although I've tried to be tasteful. REVISED AND EXPANDED.
1. Chapter 1

_**The Captain's Loft**_

_**SSV Normandy**_

_**After the Sanity Check date on the Citadel**_

* * *

"Tell me." Kaidan murmurs the request into her hair, strokes it across her skin with gentle, calloused hands. She closes her eyes, breathing in the scent that is uniquely his, his warmth, the startling muscularity of the body pressed up against her back, even stronger than she remembered him being, and it's the knowledge that he is finally there, really, finally there... that makes the words come.

"It's... pain. Endless amounts of pain. Some small, some not, but it's always there. It... defines you, I guess. And so you try to close it out, try to sleep, try to dive back into that blankness where you've been as long as you can remember. But they always bring you back, always wake you and drag you up into that pain again. You can't fight it, you can't fight _them_. You can't even move a fucking finger. You're a ghost, a prisoner in your own damn body. And you know to the marrow of your bones that there's danger. You can hear it in the voices, but you don't have a gun and you don't have armor, and you're alone. So you keep your eyes closed and play possum and try like hell to think of a way out. But no ideas ever come, and you can't move anyway, and you stay alone."

She rolls over in his arms. She needs to see his eyes; even in the darkened room, the unrelieved agony there almost makes her wish she hadn't. But Shepard and pain are old friends, and she refuses to give up the connection she has with him right now just because it hurts. She's waited too long. But it's still surprisingly hard to tell him the rest. She has to stroke the carved line of his jaw, the arch of his cheekbone, to convince herself that he is real. That _they_ are real. "The voices are the worst." Dammit, she can barely speak above a whisper._ Commander Fucking Shepard is falling apart over talking about something that happened months ago._ Her fingers curl briefly against Kaidan's face as she fights to strengthen her voice. "You can hear them. You know they're people, but you can't see them. Hell, you can't even understand them. They're hovering over you, buzzing in and out like flies, and none of them is friendly, or comforting, or personal. None of them..."

"What?" He stroked her cheek with his fingertips.

"None of them is ever the one you're waiting to hear."

"Shepard." He tucks her head into the curve of his shoulder and buries his face in her hair, and when she feels the tear sliding down her temple, she's not sure if it's hers or his.

* * *

It's a long while before either one of them can talk again. Shepard isn't sure she really wants to. She doesn't want to lose this peace they've found. But she knows very well that peace always needs to be fought for, and they've gone too long with too many things left unsaid between them. "Kaidan..."

"Shh." He whispers it, that husky whiskey voice even lower, and still raw-sounding. He smooths the pad of his thumb across her lips. "You don't have to say anything else."

She slides her hands up the slick, sculpted muscles of his shoulder, up over his neck, past his implant port and into his hair, just like she used to. His hair curls thick and black and silky against her fingers, and it feels so familiar, so blessedly normal, that she wants to cry again. "What if I want to?"

"What is there left to say? It is... it is what it is. What matters is this. What we have here and now." He kisses her, deeply, with such aching tenderness that her heart hurts. "I love you, Shepard. Always have. Always will. And I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry." He whispers the words over and over, against her mouth, the curve of her cheek, the elegant line of her throat, across the lean strength of her shoulders, the graceful curve of her breast.

Her breath hitches when his tongue swirls hotly around one aching nipple. "For what?"

"For leaving you behind." He moves over her, muscle and shadow and heat and man, olive skin gleaming and golden even in the flickering starlight. "Never again. I promise you... I will never leave you behind again."

She's crying again, silently, but it _is_ crying, and maybe the Savior of the Citadel doesn't cry, but Shepard doesn't give a fat damn, because this is Kaidan, and he will never think she's weak. And apparently, that's not even on his radar, because his mouth slides over hers, full and hard and hungry, as if they hadn't just come explosively not an hour before.

She parts her legs, needing him closer, just needing _him_, and the sensation of him sliding against her makes them both gasp and break the kiss. His hips move convulsively, grinding into her, sliding against that wet knot of nerves again and again in a movement that makes her groan out loud. His mouth is burning where it touches her skin, his hands are calloused and frantic and everywhere on her flesh, touches that are just this side of bruising, but Shepard is long past caring. Kaidan is heavy and warm and real on top of her, they are together, and that is all she cares about.

"Tell me," he demands, poised and waiting right at her entrance. She can feel the blunt head of his erection pressing against her, but it's pressure only. He's teasing her, teasing him.

"I love you."

"Again." He kisses her, and there's a wildness to the way he claims her mouth that tells her he's right on the edge. "Tell me again, Shepard."

"I love you," she chokes, trying to pull him to her, into her, with hands and arms and arching hips.

"It's not enough."

Her eyes pop open, and his are so black, so wild, that she shudders. "Kaidan?"

"I want you to scream it," he growls, and he's gone, sliding down her body.

The first touch of his tongue between her wildly spread legs sends a jolt through her. She can feel his five o clock shadow gently abrading her inner thighs, his hot breath blowing across her just before he puts his mouth on her again and sucks, tongue swirling just there and _oh_...

Shepard does scream, and she is dimly aware that Kaidan is groaning against her. Then his hands slide underneath her, raising her hips, and that change of angle makes her see stars, makes her come apart again. This is not like their previous times. This is not the Kaidan she knows.

"Again," he growls, his voice raw, fingers sliding into her, moving and curling to find that one special spot deep inside, and _pressing_ when they do, lips and teeth and tongue working in concert until she shatters yet again.

"Kaidan! I can't... I can't..." This is amazing, but it isn't what she wants. She wants him, all of him, until they're so deep in each other that they don't know where either of them begins or ends.

"Yes. Again." It's a dark whisper against the skin of her stomach. He licks the spot on her hip where a scar used to be. He remembers patching it up for her. Cerberus has taken their shared history from them, created a rift where there never should have been any. "Come for me again, Shepard. Until you can't remember the pain. Until I can't remember what it's like to be without you. Until we forget Horizon." Tongue replaces fingers inside her, slick and talented and hungry for her, and his moan is just as ravenous, vibrating against swollen feminine flesh that's drenched with wanting him. Biotic static is sheeting across his skin in a blue ripple, fizzing against hers, wrapping them both in a corona of energy, and Shepard dies for the second time, her hands clutching his hair, her body a long, tense arch of straining muscle._ "Kaidan!"_

He doesn't even wait for the orgasm to fade; he surges up her body and joins them in one desperate thrust. He buries his hands in her unbound hair, spreading dark and tangled across the pillow, and makes her look at him. "I will follow you into hell again, Rose Shepard," he grits out, "straight through until we come out the other side. Whatever it takes. But make no mistake. I _will_ follow you." He's moving, lean hips curling in long, luscious strokes, the powerful muscles of his back and shoulders coiling and releasing, his skin sheening with sweat and biotic static. Kaidan kisses her, and she can taste desperation and herself on his tongue. "And if you fall again, I will either be in front of you, or beside you. I can't lose you again."

She's panting and clutching him to her, moving with him, nearly weeping with need and emotions too strong to be labelled. But she has to try, because he needs to hear it. In the end, it's the only thing she can give him. "I love you, Kaidan. Until the world ends."

Kaidan goes rigid, head thrown back, his aura exploding around them as he comes hard, as deep inside her as he can go. Shuddering, panting, he rolls his hips against her until she follows him on a long, drawn-out moan. His aura fades into a faint haze, then whispers off into the darkness. Breathing hard, Kaidan somehow manages to keep himself propped on his elbows so that he doesn't crush her with his weight, but they stay connected in a tangle of limbs for a long, long time, her stroking his hair, him nuzzling her throat.

Eventually, he rolls to his back, but even then, refuses to be separated from her. His arms lock around her as she sprawls across his chest, a loose-limbed tangle of soft, sweat-slicked skin and unbound black hair. Rose raises her head to look at him, but whatever she's going to say dies on her lips when she sees the look in his eyes. "I love you, Rose Shepard." His husky voice is nearly gone, it's so deep. "And I swear to you, you will never be alone again."

"Neither will you." An idea explodes into her head like a concussion grenade, insane and terrible in its simplicity. It's completely crazy, probably against every Alliance rule, and risky as hell, and she doesn't care. She _does not care_. Because it's right. She suddenly shifts upward enough to catch Kaidan's mouth in a kiss fierce enough to surprise them both. He's still inside her; Shepard can feel him stirring to life within her, thickening and growing and filling all the parts of her that were so empty for so long.

She clamps down on him with dangerously skillful muscle control, stroking him without hands, and he groans, going rigid beneath her. "Rose..." He grips her hips as she sits up, locking her in place and refusing to let her move, but she has other methods at her disposal, other ways to drive him crazy, and she uses them ruthlessly. "You're going to kill me." He groans again. "What are you _doing_?"

"Proposing." She's panting too, the act of lovemaking without movement is surprisingly strenuous and shockingly arousing. She shoves her sweat-soaked hair out of her face. "Marry me, Kaidan."

Kaidan has long since been able to control his expressions, but his biotics are, on occasion, another story, and right now he's master of neither. His whiskey-brown eyes go wide with shock, and then sheen with the telltale blue discharge. Shepard watches as his jaw clenches; his aura seeps through his skin and expands, glowing brighter than she's ever seen it, flowing down their bodies, tingling along her skin like a thousand hands. He swells inside her, impossibly harder, unbelievably hotter. One large hand catches both of hers where she's braced herself on his chest, and he flips their positions in a fast, powerful surge, pinning her hands above her head. Stretched beneath him, Rose laughs breathlessly; the knowledge that she's made him lose control so completely is intoxicating. Then she can't laugh at all as his free hand moves low, presses and rolls just the right place between their bodies, and his fingers ignite with biotic static. "Oh... _Kaidan!"_

She wants to hold him, wants to clutch him to her; this feeling, this pleasure is too much, too big, too transcendant. She needs him to anchor her, but that's just not possible with her hands pinned. Her fingers clutch on empty air as she comes in a nova of sensation, feeling like every molecule is exploding separately, like she will never be put back together the same way again, not after this. Kaidan is jackhammering into her now, lips drawn back from his teeth in a snarl, blue light seeping from beneath his closed eyelids. Shepard is still in the middle of her own maelstrom when she feels the entire galaxy stop, hanging over transcendance by a thread.

Kaidan is trembling with restraint, and his dark eyes, when they shoot open, are limned with blue eternity and focused on her face. Rose feels the heavy shudders start to take him, feels that last powerful surge of his hips against hers as he drops his mouth over hers, and growls, "_Yes_", just as the orgasm boils away any hope he has of coherent thought, much less speech.


	2. Chapter 2

**Captain's Loft**

**SSV Normandy**

* * *

"God." The word isn't an oath. It's more of a reverent phrase. "What just happened?" Kaidan's breathing still hasn't levelled out quite yet. Shepard is curled against his side, one leg over his, head on his shoulder. Her fingers are tracing patterns on his chest, mapping the sculpted rise of muscle, savoring the heavy feel of his heartbeat.

"Two people in love, making up for a lot of lost time?" She lifts her head enough to grin at him, then runs her fingertips along the strong line of his jaw. Kaidan's everpresent five o clock shadow is currently less of a shadow and more actual beard stubble. Shepard loves it. She wouldn't have thought it possible two years ago, but Kaidan has actually gotten better looking with age, the planes and angles of his face more cleanly defined, sharper, the intelligence behind his steady brown eyes more readily apparent. The light sprinkling of silver at his temples only makes him look sexier.

"Shepard, we can't make up for two years in one night." He threads his fingers through her hair, combing it back from her face.

She grins at him. "Maybe not, but I think we made a damn good start, don't you?"

Kaidan laughs. He sounds completely happy, completely unshadowed by what is yet to come upon them. She loves that look on him, but the war is not over, not yet, and there's still so much they have to do.

"Ah, no. I see that look." Kaidan rolls her over and pins her beneath him, kissing her with the thoroughness that is so very characteristic of him. "No thinking. None. Leave the war out of here, Shepard. This time is for us." His hand traces down her flat abdomen, sliding between her legs to cup her, very gently. "Sore?"

Shepard stretches like a cat, smiling. The warmth of his hand is more soothing than she thought it would be. "Mmm. Maybe a little."

"A _little_?" He chuckles against her lips. "Honestly, I'm surprised either of us is able to walk after... well, all that."

"Some of us have nanites to keep us going." She quirks an eyebrow at him. "What's your secret, Major?"

"Two years of an empty bed, _Commander_." He kisses her again, but this time it's different. Not so gentle. It feels like a claim. Or an answer. "My memory's a little fuzzy, Shepard, but I believe you asked me a question earlier."

"Was it a question?" She runs a hand up his back, all lazy grace and exploring fingers.

"Mmmm, maybe more of an order." His tongue traces her lips, worshipping the plush curves, the cupid's bow of her top lip that he used to tell her always drove him crazy.

"Kaidan..." She sinks into his kiss, into the texture of his mouth, the feel of those stubborn, sensuous lips, the unfairly skilled movement of his tongue, the taste that is only his, and definitely doesn't notice anything else until she feels something thin and cold around one of her fingers. Startled, she looks to the side, leaving Kaidan to chuckle and kiss the stubborn line of her jaw. "What...?"

"You asked first." He's smiling at her, and it's a smile unlike any she's ever seen from Kaidan Alenko before. "But I was the one with the ring."

Shepard raises her left hand close to her face. The silvery band with its careful tracery of black Greek knotwork gleams in the muted cabin lighting. It's not large and showy, and it's thin enough and flat enough to be worn under armor. It almost feels delicate, but she knows Kaidan, knows he would never choose a delicate symbol for what they are to each other. Once, perhaps, romance might have won out over practicality. Not now. "How long have you had this?" She's whispering again, and she probably should hate the fact that something about this man is constantly cutting off her ability to speak, but she doesn't. Not really.

Kaidan brushes one last kiss along her throat, and then sits up into an easy crosslegged position in the middle of the rumpled bed. The starlight slides over his shoulders, highlighting the ripple of muscle as he shrugs lightly. "After Horizon," he says quietly.

"After...?" Rose sits up too, shaking back her tangled hair. She both loves and hates the fact that Kaidan hasn't reached for the tangled sheets. He is too damn distracting when he's naked, and she needs to think.

"Yeah. After." He reaches for her, runs careful fingertips down the center line of her body, slides a warm hand around the taut curve of her hip, and skates his palm up her spine to her shoulderblades. One slight push, and she's in his lap.

Shepard blinks, then frowns, but doesn't object to her new seating arrangement. "Kaidan, you were furious with me on Horizon."

"I was... I was a lot of things, Rose." He's running his hand up and down her back, but she gets the sense that he's comforting himself as much as he's comforting her. "Mostly, I was sick that I'd let you go. Sick that I'd let you die in the first place. Just... I fell down on Horizon. I fell down, and I failed those colonists, and I failed you, and by the time I wrapped my head around the possibility that you were actually back, you were gone again. Only this time, I'd made you go." He leans down, touches his forehead to hers, but he can't look at her. Slight tremors make his hands shake, and there's the biting edge of compulsion in the way he touches her now, one hand sliding around to cup her cheek, fingers tracing the curve of her skull under the heavy weight of her hair. "By the time I got back to Alliance space and chewed out Anderson for not telling me he'd known you were alive, I'd made myself a promise." His mouth curves in a bitter smile. "I bought a pair of rings, and I swore that if I got another chance to see you, talk to you, it would be different. You wouldn't have to accept me. Just the ring. So you'd know what you meant to me. What you'll always mean to me."

"Kaidan. Look at me. _Look at me_." Shepard uses her Commander voice, because she knows he'll actually respond. When he does meet her eyes, she sees love and longing and two years' worth of pain, and knows he sees exactly the same thing mirrored on her face. "What do I mean to you? I need to know." She licks her lips, because her mouth is suddenly dry. Commander Shepard vanishes, and only Rose is left. "Please."

He blows out a harsh breath, but then the hand that's still cradling the side of her face warms and tingles with the faintest biotic discharge. "You're_ it_," Kaidan says simply, a gentle smile curving the sensuous line of his mouth. "You're the one, Shepard. The only one. And no matter what happens after this, whether we die tomorrow, or eighty years from now surrounded by grandchildren, or if you never accept me again after tonight... you always will be. I'll always be yours. There won't be anyone else for me. Ever."

For a split second, Shepard wants to close her eyes, wants to block out everything she's seeing in Kaidan's face. It's too naked, too honest, and there's the potential for so much pain if she gives in. But dammit, she's died once, and he's almost died, and Horizon could have split them apart for good, but it didn't; they've been given this second chance by grace and damned if she's going to waste it. "You're it for me, too, Kaidan. Don't you get it? You're my hope." Her voice goes thready, but her left hand, ring and all, fists in his hair. She licks her lips again. "You're what I'm fighting to save."

The light that dawns in his eyes is more beautiful than any sunrise she's ever seen. "Then... I think I'd better stay close."

"Yeah. You'd better." She strokes his hair one last time, then reaches for his hand, threading her fingers through his. "Besides, I think I gave you an order, Major."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, oh." Shepard gives him her very best narrow-eyed Commander glare. The effect is probably spoiled by the fact that she's curled in his lap like a cat, and they're both naked, but she doesn't give a damn. "Marry me, Kaidan Alenko."

"Mmmm." Kaidan wraps her in a bone-crushing hug; she squeaks, and he laughs. His smile is utterly beautiful, and his usually husky voice is a low baritone rumble, rich with affection and humor and love. "Aye-aye, ma'am."


	3. Chapter 3

_**SSV Normandy SR2**_

_**Captain's Loft**_

* * *

Of all the perks of being the commanding officer of a warship, lying in bed naked and watching a freshly-shaven Kaidan Alenko stride out of her private bathroom clad only in a towel definitely ranks as Shepard's all-time favorite.

"Well, now." Kaidan pauses in the middle of drying his hair. "That's an interesting expression. What are you thinking, Shepard?"

She rolls over onto her stomach and props her chin on one hand. "Honestly? How incredibly hot you look."

He smiles at her, slow and hot, and when he leans over her to kiss her, she rises to her knees to meet him. "I was thinking the same thing about you. Mmm." His lips brush hers, warm and teasing. He smells like soap and the cool tang of his aftershave, mingled with the warm scent that is uniquely his. "I haven't kissed you in at least five minutes."

"I'm pretty sure that's illegal somewhere in Citadel space." She obliges, lingering over his mouth. Water beads off the hard contours of his shoulders and drips onto her skin. She shivers, but only partly from the chill.

"Yeah. You gonna take me in, Spectre?"

She gently sinks her teeth into his lower lip. "I thought I already did that."

Kaidan groans. "You... sorely test my self control, commander." He closes his eyes and leaned his forehead against hers. "Didn't you call a meeting in the CIC in twenty minutes?"

"Oh, damn." She closes her eyes in frustration. "And I still need to try and comm Anderson. I want him to hear about all this from me."

"Guess you better get into the shower, then, Commander." Kaidan scoops her out of the tumbled bedsheets and strides into the bathroom.

"Kaidan! What are you doing?"

He shoots her a wicked grin. "Helping you shower. In the interest of efficiency, naturally."

"I thought you already finished your shower." She sputters as he tabs on the water and the spray nails her right on top of her head, running in rivulets down her face. The tiles are slick under her feet, and she can't see with water in her face, so she grabs onto Kaidan desperately, trying to keep her balance.

Kaidan tunnels his fingers through her soaking hair and kisses her. "Well, you know how I like to be thorough. I might have missed a spot or two." He presses her back against the cool, tiled wall, a wicked smile curving his mouth just before he lowers his head to nibble at her neck. "I have no intention of missing any of yours."

O o O

The elevator from the captain's loft needs maintenance, Shepard decides. It feels wobbly. Either that, or her legs are still shaky from their little shower interlude. Considering the pleasant aftershocks still tremoring through her, she decides it's probably the latter. "I thought you said we couldn't make up for two years in one night."

Beside her in the elevator to the crew deck, shoulders squared and hands clasped behind his back in the perfect image of a soldier, Kaidan chuckles quietly. The smile curving his mouth is definitely not regulation. "That was yesterday."

Shepard tries to hide her shiver. "When did you become a sex fiend?"

"When I realized that the only way to make myself believe you were truly back was to touch you." His smile turns a bit pensive. "Still feel like I'm dreaming most of the time."

Still facing the elevator door, Rose reaches out for Kaidan, sliding her fingertips down the muscles of his forearm until she can twine her fingers around his. "Docking clamps engaged, Major."

His grip tightens around hers. "Aye, Commander."

O o O

They're still holding hands when the elevator peels open. Shepard offers Kaidan a little smile. He raises their joined hands to his lips for a kiss before letting her go with obvious reluctance. "Let's do this."

She nods, commander mask now firmly in place. "Let's do this."

The crew - her crew - is standing around the briefing room. Shepard can smell freshly-brewed coffee and the spiced scent of Liara's favorite tea. She thinks the hint of stale beer might be from Steve or James. The mood is a little odd, a little deflated. Shore leaves are too few and far between even on normal tours. This one potentially getting cut short is going to create some commentary Shepard isn't sure she wants to hear. She counts herself lucky Jack isn't on board the _Normandy_ as she takes her place at the table, aware that Kaidan is taking up the XO's post at her right shoulder.

She takes a deep breath. "Thank you all for making this meeting."

"You'd better have a damn good reason for cancelling leave, Shepard." Joker is tapping an uneven rhythm on one of his crutches. He looks more touchy than normal. "And for pulling me out of my nice cushy pilot's chair.

"Actually, Joker, I just did this to piss you off." She smirks at him fondly. "Is Anderson on the comm?"

"At your convenience, commander." EDI, at least, is being professional.

"Pull it up, please."

The blue hologram coalesces on the sleek silver tabletop. Anderson looks more worn than she's seen him in a while, but he seems fit. "Shepard? I wasn't expecting you to comm. Good to hear from you, though. Do you have a status report?"

Shepard steeples her fingers together, mostly to keep them from trembling. Kaidan is a solid, silent present behind her. "We're still doing all we can to collect aid and allocate resources to the building of the Crucible, sir. However, there's a change in the operational status of this crew that you need to be made aware of."

"What change?" Anderson's tone sharpens. The crew seems to lean forward. This is something they weren't expecting.

"I'm getting married."

There's absolute silence in the briefing room for approximately two seconds. Then the room explodes with a chorus of catcalls, cheers, and general war whoops. But cutting through all the noise is Anderson's very clear "Tell Doran he owes me fifty credits."

"Well, it's about damn time!" Garrus is grinning as widely as a turian can manage and keep his mandibles intact. "Some of us have watched you two tiptoe around each other for a few years."

"Felicitaciones, Lola!" James engulfs her in a crushing hug, lifting her out of her seat. "And you, too, mi amigo." He drops her, and pounds Kaidan on the back with one meaty fist. "Great to see you two finally stop dancing around. Fair warning, you hurt her, and I will totally kill you."

"Seconded." Garrus nodded. "We see Shepard cry, and your head explodes four seconds later."

Kaidan laughs, although he's sure he's not meant to. "Consider me warned, then."

Shepard fends off Tali's exuberant hug, and Liara's more restrained one. EDI is congratulating her when she sees Joker make his way out of the briefing room. The platform's silver eyes follow him. "Jeff?"

"I'll go after him, EDI." Shepard glances over her shoulder at Kaidan, who nods at her. He'll field Anderson's questions, the crew's questions. She's the only one who can deal with Joker.

She hurries into the corridor. Joker is surprisingly fast on his crutches when he wants to be, but she's faster. "Joker, wait!"

"I gotta get back to the helm," he bites out without looking at her. "Congratulations and all that. I'm sure you'll be very happy together."

"Jeff."

"Dammit, Shepard, what do you want me to say? That I'm happy for you?" He turns on her, brown eyes hot and a snarl twisting his bearded face. "That you and Alenko deserve each other? Want me to buy you a nice gun from your wedding registry and pretend this isn't killing me?"

"I want you to be honest with me," Shepard says quietly.

He stops and leans against the wall, head hanging down. She can't see his face under the brim of his everpresent cap. "Honest? I can't even be honest with myself."

"Do you still hate me?" she asks quietly. "For Virmire?"

"Hate?" Joker's mouth twists. For a moment, she thinks he's going to tear a strip off her, and she's perfectly prepared to let him, regs be damned. He looks so lost right now. "Nah. I don't hate you, commander, and I got over being mad at you a long time ago. That you didn't save Ash. At least, I thought I had. But when you said you guys were finally getting married, it just... I just..." His voice breaks, and he awkwardly removes one hand from a crutch to wipe his eyes. "Why couldn't it have been me and Ash getting hitched?"

"Joker." She wraps her arms around him and just holds on. He doesn't resist, and she's a little surprised. Joker has never been one for being physically demonstrative. "I am so sorry. I failed you, and I failed her, and I am sorry."

They stand there for interminable moments, until the ache finally starts to heal over. "You didn't fail, Shepard. You just couldn't pull off more than two miracles that day." Joker huffs out a choked-sounding laugh, and his eyes are wet again. "I was so damn mad at you, mad at myself, mad at Alenko... But Ash... she wouldn't have been mad. Well, maybe a little. She had her faith, y'know, and that made things smoother for her. She always told me if anything happened to her, she'd be waiting for me. I never believed her. Now I wish I did. Maybe faith would have gotten me through."

"Is that why you stayed with the _Normandy_ when the Collectors attacked?"

"I just..." He pulls one hand from the grip of his crutch and scrubs his face with it again. "Our secret place in the back of the cargo hold. The way the pillow in the sleeping pod we had to hotbunk in smelled like her shampoo when I went to sleep. The way she smiled at me in the mess. I just... I had to fight to keep those. It was all I had left of her. I told myself that I was trying to keep the _Normandy_ on optimal approach vector to Alchera so the escape pods had the greatest chance to get away, but really , I was ready to go down with the ship."

Joker looks at her then, and something in his gaze makes Shepard want to squirm, because it's resentment and hate and love all mixed together, and it hurts to see him like this. "But you came for me. You came through the fire, through it all, and that was when I knew that if there had been any way possible for you to come back for Ashley, you would have done it." Joker looks at her, and now he's crying and not bothering to hide it. "I thought forgave you for Virmire before we hit Ilos. Really, it was when you stuffed me in the pod. I forgave you, and then I killed you."

"The Collectors - "

He shook his head. "_I. Killed. You_. I did, commander. We both know it. You died because of _me_."

"Joker." Shepard keeps her voice gentle, and very steady, and her hand on his cheek is warm. "You were worth it."

He jerks as if she's struck him, and a little, broken sound creeps past the tight line of his lips. Shepard wraps her arms around her friend's fragile body and holds on as he sobs. She hadn't been able to save Ashley.

Right now, Shepard thinks she just might finally have managed to save Joker. She hopes Ash approves.


End file.
